Ranger Productions: A Midsummer's Night Dream
by Pink Wolf Princess
Summary: The Rangers do the Bard. Nuff said.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Power Rangers, I don't own Shakespeare, but I do own the crazy idea of the Disney-era Rangers putting on a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Crew

Director: Dax Lo

Assistant Director: Fran

Tech director: Cam Watanabe

Techies: Rose Ortiz, Boom, Ethan James, Will Aston

Stage manager: Mack Hartford

Stage crew: Dom Hargan, Casey Rhodes, Trent Fernandez, Summer Landsdown, Theo Martin, Udonna

Musical Director, Caterer, & Official Sayer of "Breathe Fran": R.J. Finn

Band: Lewin Martin (guitar), Kira Ford (guitar), Chip Thorn (trumpet), Z Delgado (drums, xylophone, gong, French horn), Jenji (violin), Gem (bassoon), Gemma (flute), Toby (cello), Nikkei (clarinet), Dr. K. (piano)

Cast

Robin Goodfellow: Bridge Carson

King Oberon: Dustin Brooks

Queen Titania: Sydney Drew

Theseus: Nick (Bowen) Russell

Lysander: Xander Bly

Hermia: Ronny Robinson

Demetrius: Conner McKnight  
Helena: Vida Rocca

Egeus: Tommy Oliver

Philostrate: Spencer

Quince: Shane Clarke

Snug: Flynn McAllister

Bottom: Ziggy Grover

Flute: Jack Lauders

Snout: Blake Bradley

Starveling: Hunter Bradley

Hippolyta: Madison Rocca

Pease-Blossom: Sky Tate

Cobweb: Dillon

Moth: Camille

Mustard-Seed: Scott Truman

Mercury: Tyzonn

Fairy who talks to Puck: Lily Chilman

Maid: Kelly Holloway

Water fairy: Tori Hanson

Fairy: Cassidy

Sprite: Devin

Cat sprite: Kat Manx

Dog sprite: Doggie Cruger

Dragon being: Lienbow

Solar being: Daggeron

Maid: LeeLee

Troblin: Phineas


	2. Chapter 2

**Act One, Scene One, Part One**

_(A fluffy haired Asian man is squirming in the front row of the theater as its sole occupant, the megaphone next to him marking him as the director. Up in the booth… well, let's not go there. Suffice to say it is chaotic to say the least. Behind the stage crew and cast alike are running about busily. On the stage, a panicked brunette is racing about adjusting the set pieces for Theseus's palace, causing the laid back conductor in a violet tuxedo to pause in the orchestra's warm-up to tell her "Breathe Fran!". At length everything is ready and the actors for the scene appear. They are a dusky-skinned young man with crinkly black hair in a velvet red doublet; a sweet-looking young woman with silky black hair in a flowing blue gown; and an uptight grey-haired man in a suit. The man in the front row gives the sign to begin.)_

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour

Draws on apace; four happy days bring in

Another moon; but O! methinks how slow

This old moon wanes; she lingers my desires,

Like to a step-dame, or a dowager

Long withering out a young man's revenue.

_(He breaks out of character.)_

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

What the heck did I just say?

Hippolyta/Madison:

I'm not really sure. Dax?

Dax:

Uh… I never really thought about it before. Hey, Rose?

_(A young Hispanic woman pops her head out the booth window.)_

Rose:

What?

Dax:

Could you serve as translator 'cause Nick has no idea what he just said. Please?

Rose:

Fine. Theseus is telling Hippolyta that he can't wait for their wedding in four days.

_(A young man in black with floppy brown hair in a black leather jacket pops his head out.)_

Cobweb/Dillon:

And that he can't wait to jump her.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

WHAT?! I'm not about to tell Madison that!

Dax:

You're not telling Madison, Theseus is telling Hippolyta.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

I don't know…

Cobweb/Dillon:

It's either you tell her or some other guy does.

_(Theseus/Nick's expression is priceless. They begin again. After he's given the speech again, Hippolyta/Madison speaks.)_

Hippolyta/Madison:

Four days will quickly steep themselves in night;

Four nights will quickly dream away the time;

And then the moon, like to a silver bow

New-bent in heaven, shall behold the night

Of our solemnities.

Uh… does that mean what I think it means?

Cobweb/Dillon:

If you think it means the moon is going to be spying on you two lovebirds when you're doing it in four nights, then yeah.

_(Hippolyta/Madison blushes furiously and looks down. Equally embarrassed, Theseus/Nick does his next segment of lines.)_

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Go, Philostrate,

Stir up the Athenian youth to merriments;

Awake the pert and nimble spirit of mirth;

Turn melancholy forth to funerals;

The pale companion is not for our pomp.

_(Philostrate/Spencer exits.)_

Hippolyta, I woo'd thee with my sword,

And won thy love doing thee injuries;

But I will wed thee in another key,

With pomp, with triumph, and with reveling.

_(Egeus/Dr. O. in a multi-colored outfit, Hermia/Ronny in a yellow gown, Lysander/Xander in a green tunic & pants, and Demetrius/Conner in a red shirt and white pants enter. Before Egeus/Dr. O. can speak Theseus/Nick/Bowen speaks to Rose, who has come down to sit next to Dax.)_

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Now what was **that** babble about?

Rose:

You won Hippolyta over by defeating people in combat I suppose. That or she was originally a noble lady of an enemy state which you conquered and you won her over anyway. Now you want to party, nothing gloomy whatsoever.

_(Snug/Flynn in a blue turtleneck and navy kilt pops his head next to Cobweb/Dillon.)_

Snug/Flynn:

Like at Summer's almost-wedding! Except Tenaya 7 crashed it.

_(Everyone looks at them.)_

Cobweb/Dillon:

It's a long story.

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Happy be Theseus, our renowned duke!

_(Everyone looks at him.)_

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Sorry. For some reason I thought this was our first dress rehearsal of our production of "A Midsummer's Night Dream". I wonder why.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Oh yeah… Ahem.

Thanks, good Egeus: what's the news with thee?

Okay, no translation needed there. Continue.

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Full of vexation come I, with complaint

Against my child, my daughter Hermia.

Stand forth, Demetrius. My noble lord-

Demetrius/Conner:

That means I step forward, right?

Hippolyta/Madison:

I think so.

Demetrius/Conner:

Cool, dude.

_(He steps forward. Egeus/Dr. O. rolls his eyes.)_

Egeus/Dr. O.:

My noble lord,

This man hath my consent to marry her.

Stand forth, Xander: and, my gracious duke-

Dax:

Uh. Dr. O.?

Egeus/Dr. O.:

What?

Dax:

You said Xander, not Lysander.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

I did?

Theseus/Nick:

Yeah, I think you did. Oh, and I understand everything so far. Man, English has changed a lot in four hundred years.

Rose:

That's because it's a living language. Now-

Hermia/Ronny _(laughing)_:

Rose! Can you go into lecture mode later? Right now Dr. O. needs to do his big speech before he forgets it!

Egeus/Dr. O. _(glumly)_:

Too late. Can I go reread it from my script?

_(Fran hurries out, a script in hand. Egeus/Dr. O. looks over his speech.)_

Egeus/Dr. O.:

Got it! Now, no more interruptions! I left off just as I was about to begin my rant against Xander.

Dax:

Lysander!

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Yeah, him.

_(He pretends to be enraged.)_

This man hath bewitch'd the bosom of my child:

Thou, thou, Lysander, thou has given her rimes,

And interchang'd love-tokens with my child;

Thou hast by moonlight at her window sung,

With feigning voice, verses of feigning love;

And stol'n the impression of her fantasy

With bracelets of thy hair, rings, gawds, conceits,

Knacks, trifles, nosegays, sweetmeats, messengers

Of strong prevailment in unharden'd youth;

With cunning hast thou flich'd my daughter's heart;

Turn'd her obedience, which is due to me,

To stubborn harshness. And, my gracious duke,

Be it so she will not here before your Grace

Consent to marry with Demetrius,

I beg the ancient privilege of Athens,

As she is mine, I may dispose of her;

Which shall be either to this gentleman,

Or to her death, according to our law

Immediately provided in that case.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

It's a safe bet to say that I only understood the last six lines where basically Hermia isn't obeying her dad and he's not happy about it.

Cobweb/Dillon:

What on Earth are nosegays and sweetmeats and gawds? Seriously, girls like stuff with names like that?

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

That's what I don't get.

Snug/Flynn:

Nosegays are a kind of tiny bouquet, sweetmeats are a type of food, and as for gawds… that's a form of the word gewgaws but other than that I don't know. By fantasy Egeus means imagination. Oh, conceits is a medieval word for fancy articles, knacks is probably a shortened form of knick-knacks, trifles are like tokens, and bracelets of hair are most likely are what we call locks of hair.

_(Cobweb/Dillon gives Snug/Flynn a long look.)_

Cobweb/Dillon:

It worries me that you know all that, Flynn.

_(Snug/Flynn just shrugs.)_

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Anyway…

_(He puts his arms on his hips.)_

What say you, Hermia? be advis'd, fair maid.

To you your father should be as a god;

One that compos'd your beauties, yea, and one

To whom you are but as a form in wax

By him imprinted, and within his power

To leave the figure or disfigure it.

Demetrius is a worthy gentleman.

Hermia/Ronny:

So is Lysander.

Theseus/Nick:

In himself he is;

But, in this kind, wanting your father's voice,

The other must be held the worthier.

Hermia/Ronny:

I would my father look'd but with my eyes.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Rather your eyes must with his judgment look.

Hermia/Ronny:

I do entreat your Grace to pardon me.

I know not by what power I am made bold,

Nor how it may concern my modesty

In such a presence here to plead my thoughts;

But I beseech your Grace that I may know

The worst that may befall me in this case,

If I refuse to marry Demetrius.

Demetrius/Conner:

Just curious, what's so wrong about marrying me? I'm good-looking, relatively intelligent, smell nice, and not to mention a soccer star.

Egeus/Dr.O.:

I don't think they had soccer in ancient Greece, Conner.

Demetrius/Conner:

Seriously? Then how did they survive? Life without soccer. No wonder they wore those crazy togas.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

Those were the Romans, Conner.

Demetrius/Conner:

Well, did **they** have soccer?

Egeus/Dr. O.:

No.

Demetrius/Conner:

And that explains all the psychotic emperors too.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Not to interrupt this critical conversation, but can I give my speech to Hermia now or what?

Demetrius/Conner:

Oh. Sorry, dude. Go ahead.

Theseus/Nick:

Either to die the death, or to abjure

For ever the society of men.

Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;

Know of your youth, examine well your blood,

Whether, if you yield not to your father's choice,

You can endure the livery of a nun,

For aye to be in shady cloister mew'd,

To live a barren sister all your life,

Chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.

Thrice blessed they that master so their blood,

To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;

But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,

Than that which withering on the virgin thorn

Grows, lives, and dies, in single blessedness.

Cobweb/Dillon:

I don't know if I understood all of it, but it sounded impressive.

Lysander/Xander:

Is it just me, or do you have something against the moon?

:

Not me, Theseus!

Rose:

I think he's just projecting his impatience onto the moon.

Hermia/Ronny:

Don't do a psychoanalysis right now, Rose. I need to respond to Nick's awesome speech.

So will I grow, so live, so die, my lord,

Ere I will yield my virgin patent up

Unto his lordship, whose unwished yoke

My soul consents not to give sovereignty.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Take time to pause; and, by the next new moon,-

The sealing-day betwixt my love and me

For everlasting bond of fellowship,-

Upon that day either prepare to die

For disobedience to your father's will,

Or else to wed Demetrius, as he would;

Or on Diana's alter to protest

For aye austerity and single life.

Demetrius/Conner:

Relent, sweet Hermia; and Lysander, yield

Thy crazed title to my certain right.

Lysander/Xander:

You have her father's love, Demetrius;

Let me have Hermia's: do you marry him.

Whoa. Did I just tell you to marry Egeus?

Demetrius/Conner:

Ewww! I'm not marrying Dr. O.! GROSS! No offense meant, Dr. O.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

I'm not sure if I can take offense.

Scornful Xander! true, he hath my love,

And what is mine my love shall render him;

And she is mine, and all my right of her

I do estate unto Demetrius.

Lysander/Xander:

You did it again, Dr. O. You called me Xander instead of Lysander.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

Aagh!

Lysander/Xander:

I am, my lord, as well deriv'd as he,

As well possess'd; my love is more than his;

My fortunes every way as fairly rank'd,

If not with vantage, as Demetrius's;

And, which is more than all these boasts can be,

I am belov'd of beauteous Hermia.

Why should not I then prosecute my right?

Demetrius, I'll avouch it to his head,

Made love to Nedar's daughter, Helena,

And won her soul; and she, sweet lady, dotes,

Devoutly dotes, dotes in idolatry,

Upon this spotted and inconstant man.

Nice going, Demetrius.

Hermia/Ronny:

Question: if you jumped Helena, why do you want to marry me?

Demetrius/Conner:

Hey, I just play the guy! I don't know why he jumped Helena. Maybe he thought she was cute or something. You know, he had a crush on her but now he has a crush on Hermia since she looks like Freya and all.

Hermia/Ronny _(defeated)_:

No one is ever going to let me live that one down, huh?

Snug/Flynn:

Wait. What?

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Someone will explain later, Flynn. Okay, I need to reply to Lysander's accusations against Demetrius.

I must confess that I have heard so much,

And with Demetrius thought to have spoke thereof;

But being over-full of self-affairs,

My mind did lose it. But Demetrius, come;

And come, Egeus; you shall go with me,

I have some private schooling for you both.

For you, fair Hermia, look you arm yourself

To fit your fancies to your father's will,

Or else the law of Athens yields you up,

Which by no means we may extenuate,

To death, or to a vow of single life.

Come, my Hippolyta: what cheer, my love?

Demetrius and Egeus, go along:

I must employ you in some business

Against our nuptial, and confer with you

Of something nearly that concerns yourselves.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

With duty and desire we follow you.

_(Everyone exits the stage except Lysander and Hermia.)_

Cobweb/Dillon _(approvingly)_:

Sneaky of that lovebird Duke, to leave the other pair of lovebirds alone to figure out a plot to escape.

Snug/Flynn:

Uh-huh.

Dax:

Shush! Try to remember that this is a dress rehearsal, people!


	3. Chapter 3

**Act One, Scene One, Part Two**

Lysander/Xander:

How now, my love! Why is your cheek so pale?

How chance the roses there do fade so fast?

Wow. Medieval guys were better sweet-talkers than me- and that's saying something.

Hermia/Ronny:

Belike for want of rain, which I could well

Beteem them from the tempest of mine eyes.

Lysander:

Ay me! for aught that ever I could read,

Could ever hear by tale or history,

The course of true love never did run smoth;

But either it was different in blood,-

Hermia/Ronny:

O cross! too high to be enthrall'd to low.

Lysander/Xander:

O else misgraffed in respect of years,-

Hermia/Ronny:

O spite! too old to be engag'd to young.

Lysander/Xander:

Or else it stood upon the choice of friends,-

Hermia/Ronny:

O hell! to choose love by another's eye

Cobweb/Dillon:

Hang on. I can't cuss but she can? What the *&#?

Dr. K.:

It's a line from Shakespeare, Ranger Operator Series Black.

Cobweb/Dillon:

Wouldn't it just be easier to say my name?

Dr. K.:

No. Now let Lysander speak.

Lysander/Xander:

Or if there were a sympathy in choice,

War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it,

Making it momentary as a sound,

Swift as a shadow, short as any dream,

Brief as the lightning in the collied night,

That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,

And ere a man hath power to say, 'Behold!'

The jaws of darkness do devour it up:

So quick bright things come to confusion.

Snug/Flynn:

I don't believe that.

Cobweb/Dillon:

Of course you don't. You believed in spandex-wearing superheroes back when you were a lad in a kilt.

_(Dr. K. leaps out of the pit and begins to chase Dillon around backstage. As the scene continues, various sounds from the chase are heard.)_

Hermia/Ronny:

That was weird.

If then true lovers have been ever cross'd,

It stands as an edict in destiny:

Then let us teach our trial patience,

Because it is a customary cross,

As due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs,

Wishes and tears, poor fancy's followers.

Lysander/Xander:

A good persuasion: therefore-

_(BANG! BUMP! CLATTER! Lysander/Xander looks vaguely miffed.)_

A good persuasion: therefore, hear me, Hermia.

I have a widow aunt, a dowager

Of great revenue, and she hath no child:

From Athens is her house remote seven leagues;

And she respects me as her only son.

There, gentle Hermia-

_(THUMP! THUMP! "OWCH!" Lysander/Xander is now thoroughly irritated.)_

There, gentle Hermia, may I marry thee,

And to that place the sharp Athenian law

Cannot pursue us. If thou lov'st me then,

Steal forth thy father's house to-morrow night,

And-

_(Several war cries are heard, and several more noises. Exasperated, Lysander/Xander gets out his wooden wand, which is capped by a green crystal carved in the form of a minotaur head. He waves it, expelling green sparks. There are some muffled yelps backstage. Satisfied, Lysander/Xander resumes.)_

And in the wood, a league without the town,

Where I did meet thee once with Helena,

To do observance to a morn of May,

There will I stay for thee.

Hermia/Ronny:

My good Xander!

Dax:

Lysander!

Ronny/Hermia:

Whatever, Dax.

My good Xander!

I swear to thee by Cupid's strongest bow,

By his best arrow with the golden head,

By the simplicity of Venus' doves,

By that which knitteth souls and prospers loves,

And by that fire which burn'd the Carthage queen,

When the false Troyan under sail was seen

By all the vows that ever men have broke,-

In number more than ever women spoke,-

In that same place thous hast appointed me,

To-morrow truly will I meet with thee.

Lysander/Xander:

Keep promise, love. Look, here comes Helena.

_(Grouchily Helena/Vida enters. She is wearing a pink sleeveless dress.)_

Helena/Vida:

Why do I have to do this? This is serious miscasting.

_(A redheaded trumpeter speaks up from the pit.)_

Chip:

You'll be totally wicked, V.

Hermia/Ronny:

God speed fair Helena! Whither away?

Helena _(without spirit)_:

Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.

Demetrius loves your fair: O happy fair!

Your eyes are lode-stars! and your tongue's sweet air

More tunable than lark to shepherd's ear,

When wheat is green, which hawthorn buds appear.

_(grumpy)_

What a lot of idiocy. Do I seriously have to be so loony and lovesick and just plain disgusting?

R.J.:

You can do it, Vida. If Fran can run the JKP for hours on end alone while breathing, you can pretend to be absolutely lovesick.

Chip:

What he said. GO VIDA!

Helena/Vida:

I hate you both.

Sickness is catching: O! were favour so,

Yours would I catch, fair Hermia, ere I go;

My ear should catch your voice, my eye your eye,

My tongue should catch your tongue's sweet melody.

Were the world mine, Demetrius being bated,

The rest I'll give to be to you translated.

O! teach me how you look, and with what art

You sway the motion of Demetrius' heart.

Hermia/Ronny:

I frown upon him, yet he loves me still.

Helena/Vida:

O! that your frowns would teach my smiles such skill.

Gag me, please.

Hermia/Ronny:

I give him curses, yet he gives me love.

Helena/Vida:

O! that my prayers could such affection move.

Bleh.

Hermia/Ronny:

The more I hate, the more he follows me.

Helena/Vida:

The more I love, the more he hateth me.

Good for you!

Hermia/Ronny:

His folly, Helena, is no fault of mine.

Helena/Vida:

None, but your beauty: would that fault were mine!

No way, Jose.

Hermia/Ronny:

Take comfort: he no more shall see my face;

Xander and myself will fly this place.

Before the time I did Xander see,

Seem'd Athens as a paradise to me:

O! then, what graces in my love do dwell,

That he hath turn'd a heaven unto a hell.

Dax:

Lysander!

Lysander/Xander:

Helen, to you our minds we will unfold.

To-morrow night, when Phoebe doth behold

Her silver visage in the wat'ry glass,

Decking with liquid pearl with the bladed grass,-

A time that lovers' flights doth still conceal,-

Through Athens' gates have we devis'd to steal.

Hermia/Ronny:

And in the wood, where often you and I

Upon faint primrose-beds were wont to lie,

Emptying our bosoms of their counsel sweet,

Snug/Flynn:

Bosom- now there's a word I haven't heard in a while. Wonder why.

Hermia/Ronny:

There my Xander and myself shall meet;

Dax:

Lysander!

Hermia/Ronny:

There my Xander and myself shall meet;

And thence from Athens turn away our eyes,

To seek new friends and stranger companies.

Farewell, sweet playfellow: pray thou for us;

And good luck grant thee thy Demetrius!

Keep word, Xander: we must starve our sight

Dax:

LYSANDER!

_(Ronny just ignores Dax.)_

Hermia/Ronny:

Keep word, Xander: we must starve our sight

From lovers' food till morrow deep midnight.

_(Hermia/Ronny exits.)_

Lysander/Xander:

I will, my Hermia.—Helena, adieu:

As you on him, Demetrius dote on you!

_(Lysander/Xander pauses on the edge of the stage.)_

Lysander/Xander:

Hey, V?

Helena/Vida:

What?

Lysander/Xander:

It could be worse.

Helena/Vida:

How could this possibly be worse?

Lysander/Xander:

You could have been Hermia and have to pretend to be in love with me.

Helena/Vida:

EEWW!

Lysander/Xander _(smugly)_:

Exactly.

_(He exits.)_

Helena/Vida:

How happy some o'er other some can be!

Through Athens I am thought as far as she;

But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;

He will not know what all but he do know;

And as he errs, doting on Hermia's eyes,

So I, admiring of his qualities.

Things base and vile, holding no quantity,

Love can transpose to form and dignity.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.

Nor hath Love's mind of any judgment taste;

Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:

And therefore is Love said to be a child,

Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd.

As waggish boys in games themselves forswear,

So the boy Love is perjur'd everywhere;

For ere Demetrius look'd on Hermia's eyne,

He hail'd down oaths that he was only mine;

And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,

So he dissolv'd, and showers of oaths did melt.

I will go tell him of Hermia's flight:

Then to the wood will he to-morrow night

Pursue her; and for this intelligence

If I have thanks, it is a dear expense:

But herein mean I do enrich my pain,

To have his sight thither and back again.

So much for bosom buddies, huh?

_(Crossly Helena/Vida exits and the curtains fall. Fran pokes her head out and begins to babble.)_

R.J.:

Breathe, Fran!

_(Fran takes a deep breath.)_

Fran:

Why are Dillon and Dr. K. all wrapped up in vines backstage?

Dax:

Xander!

_(Hermia/Ronny pokes her head out.)_

Hermia/Ronny _(grinning)_:

Don't you mean Lysander, Dax?


	4. Chapter 4

**Act One, Second Scene**

_(Quince/Shane, Snug/Flynn, Bottom/Ziggy, Flute/Jack, Snout/Blake, and Starveling/Hunter are all on the stage.)_

Quince/Hunter:

Is all our company here?

Bottom/Ziggy:

You were best to call them generally, man by man, according to the scrip.

Quince/Shane:

Here is the scroll of every man's name, which is

thought fit, through all Athens, to play in our interlude

before the duke and duchess on his wedding-day at night.

Bottom/Ziggy:

First, good Peter Quince, say what the play treats on;

then read the names of the actors, and so grow to a point.

You know, build up the suspense.

Dax:

Ziggy! Stick to the lines!

Ziggy:

But I'm great at improvisation!

Dax:

We're doing Shakespeare! You don't improvise Shakespeare!

Ziggy:

Why not?

Snug/Flynn:

I'll explain later. Shane, er, Quince, continue.

Quince/Shane:

Marry, our play is, The most lamentable comedy, and

most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisby.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Was that a joke? Hey, why isn't anyone talking? Oh! It's my turn!

A very good piece of work, I assure you, and a merry.

Now, good Peter Quince, call forth your actors by the scroll.

Masters, spread yourselves.

What are we, jams? Did they even have jams in ancient Greece?

Quince/Shane:

Answer as I call you. Nick Bottom, the weaver.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Ready. Name what part I am for, and proceed.

'Cause I rock!

Quince/Shane:

You, Nick Bottom, are set down for Pyramus.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Who is Pyramus? a lover, or a tyrant?

Or both. I mean, a dude can totally be both. Just look at Dillon.

_(Cobweb/Dillon, covered with vines, pokes his head out.)_

Cobweb/Dillon:

EXCUSE ME?

Bottom/Ziggy:

I said nothing.

Dax:

Ziggy, the line is 'what is Pyramus?' not 'who is Pyramus'.

And no more improvisation!

Bottom/Ziggy:

That sounds wrong, but okay.

Quince/Shane:

A lover, that kills himself most gallantly for love.

Bottom/Ziggy:

That will ask some tears in the true performing of it:

if I do it, let the audience look to their eyes; I will move

storms, I will condole in some measure. To the rest: yet my

chief humour is for a tyrant. I could play Ercles rarely, or a

part to tear a cat in to make all split.

Ew… tearing a cat. Oh, wait, not done.

'The raging rocks

And shivering shocks

Shall break the locks

Of prison gates:

And Phibbus' car

Shall shine from far

And make and mar

The foolish Fates.'

This was lofty. Now the rest of the players. This is

Ercles' vein, a tyrant's vein; a lover is more condoling.

_(Demetrius/Conner pokes his head out.)_

Demetrius/Conner:

Hang on, they didn't have cars in ancient Greece! Or in Shakespeare's time. History isn't my strong suit but I do know that!

Rose:

I think by car he meant a form of transportation. I'll look it up later.

Quince/Shane:

Francis Flute, the bellows-mender.

Flute/Jack:

Here, Peter Quince.

I hate my name.

Quince/Jack:

You must take Thisby on you.

Flute/Jack:

What is Thisby? a wandering knight?

Quince/Shane:

It is the lady that Pyramus must love.

Flute/Jack:

Nay, faith, let not me play a woman; I have a beard coming.

Quince/Shane:

That's all one; you shall play it in a mask,

and you may speak as small as you will.

Bottom/Ziggy:

An I may hide my face, let me play Thisby too.

I'll speak in a monstrous little voice, 'Thisne, Thisne!' 'Ah, Pyramus, my lover dear; thy Thisby dear, and lady dear!'

La, la, la.

Quince/Shane:

No, no; you must play Pyramus; and Flute, you Thisby.

Flute/Jack:

And Vida thinks she has it rough.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Well, proceed.

Quince/Shane:

Robin Starveling, the tailor.

Starveling/Hunter:

Here, Peter Quince.

Quince/Shane:

Robin Starveling, you must play Thisby's mother.

Tom Snout, the tinker.

Snout/Blake:

Here, Peter Quince.

Quince/Shane:

You, Pyramus's father; myself, Thisby's father; Snug,

the joiner, you the lion's part: and, I hope, here is a play

fitted.

Snug/Flynn:

Have you the lion's part written? pray you, if it be,

give it me, for I am slow of study.

I might be a lion, but I'm a smart lion! Just to make that clear.

Quince/Shane:

You may do it extempore, for it is nothing but

roaring.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Let me play the lion too. I will roar, that I will do

any man's heart good to hear me; I will roar, that I will

make the duke say, 'Let him roar again, let him roar again.'

Man, and my teammates think I'm a ham! Oo, that rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!

Quince/Shane:

An you should do it too terribly, you would fright

the duchess and the ladies, that they would shriek; and that

were enough to hang us all.

All:

That would hang us, every mother's son.

Bottom/Ziggy:

I grant you, friends, if that you should fright the ladies

out of their wits, they would have no more discretion but to

hang us; but I will aggravate my voice so that I will roar

you as gently as any sucking dove; I will roar you an

'twere any nightingale.

Tweet, tweet.

Quince/Shane _(firmly)_:

You can play no part but Pyramus; for Pyramus

is a sweet-faced man; a proper man, as one shall see in a

summer's day; a most lovely, gentleman-like man; therefore,

you must needs play Pyramus.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Well, I will undertake it. What beard were I best to

play it in?

I wish I had a beard.

Quince/Shane:

Why, what you will.

Bottom/Ziggy:

I will discharge it in either your straw-colour beard,

your orange-tawny beard, your purple-in-grain bread, or

your French-crown colour beard, your perfect yellow.

Demetrius/Conner:

France didn't exist back in ancient Greece either!

Dax:

Don't worry about it Conner.

Demetrius/Conner:

Didn't Shakespeare care about historical accuracy?

Rose:

Judging from his plays, he didn't.

Demetrius/Conner:

Crazy.

Quince/Shane:

Some of your French crowns have no hair at all, and

then you will play bare-faced. But masters, here are your parts;

and I am to entreat you, request you, and desire you, to

con them by to-morrow night, and meet in the palace

wood, a mile without the town, by moonlight: there will we

rehearse; for if we meet in the city, we shall be dogged with

company, and our devices known. In the meantime I will

draw a bill of properties, such as our play wants. I pray

you, fail me not.

Bottom/Ziggy:

We will meet; and there we may rehearse more

obscenely and courageously. Take pains; be perfect; adieu.

In other words, see you guys later!

Quince/Shane:

At the duke's oak we meet.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Enough; hold, or cut bow-strings.

That doesn't sound nice. Good thing R.P.M. doesn't have any archers or we'd be in big trouble. Unless I'm talking about violin bow-strings and then doc here wouldn't be happy…

_(Dr. K. also covered in vines, glares at him from the pit.)_

Dr. K.:

What have I told you about calling me doc?!

_(They all leave, and the curtains drop.)_


	5. Chapter 5

Warning: Dillon has finally realized that Ziggy called him a lover/tyrant.

**Act Second, Scene One, Part One**

_(Fairy/Lily is hanging out in the woods, and Puck/Bridge enters.)_

Puck/Bridge:

How now, spirit! whither wander you?

_(Fairy/Lily has to continually raise her voice due to noises backstage.)_

Fairy/Lily:

Over hill, over dale,

Thorough bush, thorough brier,

Over park, over pale,

Thorough flood, thorough fire,

I do wander everywhere,

Swifter than the moon's sphere;

And I serve the fairy queen,

To dew her orbs upon the green:

The cowslips tall her pensioners be;

In their gold coats spots you see;

_(CLATTER! BANG!)_

Fairy/Lily:

Those be rubies, fairy favours,

In their freckles live their savours:

I must go seek some dew-drops here,

And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear.

Farewell, thou lob of spirits: I'll be gone;

Our queen and all her elves come here anon.

Puck/Bridge _(loudly but eloquently)_:

The king doth keep his revels here to-night.

Take heed the queen come not within his sight;

For Oberon is passing fell and wrath,

Because that she as her attendant hath

A lovely boy, stol'n from an Indian king;

She never had so sweet a changeling;

And jealous Oberon would have the child

Knight of his train, to trace the forests wild;

But she, perforce, withholds the loved boy,

Crowns him with flowers, and makes him all her joy.

And now they never meet in grove, or green,

By fountain clear, or spangled starlight sheen,

But they do square; that all their elves, for fear,

Creep into acorn-cups and hide them there.

_(There's an especially loud squawk backstage followed by repeated thumps and hasty footsteps. However Fairy/Lily and Puck/Bridge carry on.)_

Fairy/Lily _(arms akimbo)_:

Either I mistake your shape and making quite,

Or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite

Call'd Robin Goodfellow: are you not be

That frights the maidens of the villagery;

Skim milk, and sometimes labour in the quern,

And bootless make the breathless housewife churn;

And sometime make the drink to bear no barm;

Mislead night wanderers, laughing at their harm?

_(Running footsteps are again heard. Fairy/Lily rolls her eyes but continues.)_

Those that Hobgoblin call you and sweet Puck,

You do their work, and they shall have good luck:

Are you not he?

_(Puck/Bridge bows elegantly, doffing his cap before rising.)_

Puck/Bridge:

Fairy, thou speak'st aright;

I am that merry wanderer of the night.

I jest to Oberon, and make him smile

When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile,

Neighing in likeness of a filly foal:

And sometime lurk I in a gossip's bowl,

In very likeness of a roasted crab;

And, when she drinks, against her lips I bob

And on her wither'd dewlap pour the ale.

The wisest aunt, telling the saddest tale,

Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me;

Then slip I from her bum, down topples she,

And 'tailor' cries, and falls into a cough;

And then-

_(THUMP! "AAGH!" "HA! I GOT YOU NOW" BOOM!)_

Puck/Bridge:

And then the whole quire hold their hips and laugh;

And waxen in their mirth, and neeze, and sweer

A merrier hour was never wasted there.

But, room, fairy! here comes Oberon.

Fairy/Lily _(troubled)_:

And here my mistress. Would that he were gone!

_(BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! "EEEEEIIIIIEEEE!")_

_(From one side of the stage enters Oberon/Dustin; from the other comes Titania/Syd. Each is followed by a small cluster of magical beings- see cast.)_

Oberon/Dustin:

Ill met by moonlight, proud dudette.

Dax:

Please, Dustin. I have enough issues!

Titania/Syd:

What! jealous Oberon. Fairies, skip hence :

I have forsworn his bed and company.

_(Theseus/Nick pokes his head in.)_

Theseus/Nick:

Why is it that I and Maddie got all the illegible stuff while everyone else can understand their lines?

Dax:

Nick!

Theseus/Nick:

Oh, and Dillon is chasing Ziggy around backstage for some reason. Should I do anything about that?

_(Dax just whimpers and Theseus/Nick retreats.)_

Oberon/Dustin:

Tarry, rash dudette! am not I thy lord?

Titania/Syd:

Then, I must be thy lady; but I know

When thou hast stol'n away from fairy land

And in the shape of Corin sat all day,

Playing on pipes of corn, and versing love

To amorous Phillida. Why art thou here,

Come from the furthest steep of India?

_(CLASH! "AAIIEEEE!" "OOOOOOOOWWW!")_

Titania/Syd _(towards backstage)_:

Shut up!

But that, forsooth, the bouncing Amazon,

Your buskin'd mistress and your warrior love,

To Theseus must be wedded, and you come

To give their bed joy and prosperity.

Oberon/Dustin:

How canst thou thus for shame, dudette,

Glance at my credit with Hippolyta,

Knowing I know thy love to Theseus?

_(Theseus/Nick pokes his head out again.)_

Theseus/Nick:

Wait. You slept with my girlfriend?

Puck/Bridge:

No- he's just explaining that he didn't. At least I think he is.

_(THUMP! BANG!)_

Theseus/Nick:

Are you **sure** that you don't want me to do something about those two, Dax?

Dax _(wearily)_:

I'm sure.

Oberon/Dustin:

Dude, can I continue?

Dax:

Yes.

Oberon/Dustin:

Didst thou not lead him through the glimmering night

From Perigenia, whom he ravished?

And make him with Ægle break his faith,

With Ariadne, and Antiopa?

_(Just as Titania/Syd is about to speak- CLUMP! THUMP! SHATTER! Fairy/Lily winces.)_

Fairy/Lily:

That did not sound good at all.

Titania/Syd:

These are the forgeries of jealousy;

And never, since the middle summer's spring,

Met we on hill, in dale, forest, or mead,

By paved fountain, or by rushy brook,

Or in the beached margent of the sea,

To dance our ringlets to the whistling wind,

But with thy brawls thou hast disturbed our sport.

Therefore the winds, piping to us in vain,

As in revenge, have suck'd up from the sea

Contagious fogs; which, falling in the land

Hath every pelting river made so proud

That they have overborne their continents:

_(Suddenly Ziggy runs across the stage, chased by a furious Dillon, scattering the actors. Then Ziggy runs back across the stage. In his efforts to turn around to chase him, Dillon knocks over several pieces of scenery. Puck/Bridge rubs the back of his neck. Fairy/Lily looks around, amused.)_

Fairy/Lily:

I take this to mean that we're taking a break now.

_(Dax places his face in his hands.)_


	6. Chapter 6

**Act Second, Scene One, Part Two**

_(Everything is back the way it was before. Ziggy and Dillon are tied up and dangling from the catwalk.)_

Dax:

All right- we're starting with Oberon's line after Titania's big speech.

Oberon/Dustin:

Do you amend it then; it lies in you.

Why should Titania cross her Oberon?

I do but beg a little changeling boy,

To be my henchdude.

Titania/Syd:

Set your heart at rest;

The fairy land buys not the child of me.

His mother was a votaress of my order:

And, in the spiced Indian air, by night,

Full often hath she gossip'd by my side,

And sat with me on Neptune's yellow sands,

Marking the embarked traders on the flood;

When we have laugh'd to see the sails conceive

And grow big-bellied with the wanton wind;

Which she, with pretty and with swimming gait

Following, -her womb then rich with my young squire,-

Would imitate, and sail upon the land,

To fetch me trifles, and return again,

As from a voyage, rich with merchandise.

But she, being mortal, of that boy did die;

And for her sake I do rear up her boy,

And for her sake I will not part with him.

Oberon/Dustin:

How long within this wood intend you stay?

Titania/Syd:

Perchance, till after Theseus' wedding-day.

If you will patiently dance in our round,

And see our moonlight revels, go with us;

If not, shun me, and I will spare your haunts.

Oberon/Dustin:

Give me that little dude, and I will go with thee.

Titania/Syd:

Not for thy fairy kingdom. Fairies, away!

We shall chide downright, if I longer stay.

_(Titania and her people, including Fairy/Lily, leave.)_

Oberon/Titania:

Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this grove

Till I torment thee for this injury.

My gentle dude, come hither. Thou remember'st

Since once I sat upon a promontory,

And heard a mermaid on a dolphin's back

Uttering such dulcet and harmonius breath,

That the rude sea grew civil at her song,

And certain stars shot madly from their spheres

To hear the sea-maid's music.

Puck/Bridge:

I remember.

Oberon/Dustin:

That very time I saw, but thou couldst not,

Flying between the cold moon and the earth,

Cupid all arm'd: a certain aim he took

At a fair vestal throned by the west,

And loos'd his love-shaft smartly from his bow,

As it should pierce a hundred thousand hearts;

But I might see young Cupid's fiery shaft

Quench'd in the chaste beams of the wat'ry moon.

And the imperial votaress passed on,

In maiden meditation, fancy-free.

Yet mark'd I where the bolt of Cupid fell:

It fell upon a little western flower,

Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,

And dudettes call it Love-in-idleness.

Fetch me that flower; the herb I show'd thee once:

The juice of it on sleeping eyelids laid

Will make or dude or dudette madly dote

Upon the next live creature that it sees.

Fetch me this herb; and thou here again

Ere the leviathan can swim a league.

Bottom/Ziggy:

Uh, just wondering. When will I get down from here? 'Cause, as I recall, I have a big scene coming up.

Dr. K.:

You and Ranger Series Operator Black will come down when the two of you are needed and no sooner, Ranger Operator Series Green.

Puck/Bridge:

I'll put a girdle round the earth

In forty minutes.

_(Puck/Bridge exits.)_

Oberon/Dustin:

Having once this juice,

I'll watch Titania when she is asleep,

And drop the liquor of it in her eyes:

The next thing then she waking looks upon,

Be it on lion, bear, or wolf, or bull,

On meddling monkey, or on busy ape,

She shall pursue it with the soul of love:

And ere I take this charm off from her sight,

As I can take it with another herb,

I'll make her render up her dude to me.

But who comes here? I am invisible,

And I will over their conference.

_(Demetrius/Conner enters, followed by Helena/Vida.)_

Demetrius/Conner:

I love thee not, therefore pursue me not.

Where is Lysander and fair Hermia?

The one I'll slay, the other slayeth me.

Thou told'st me they were stol'n into this wood;

And here am I, and wood withn this wood,

Because I cannot meet my Hermia.

Hence! get thee gone, and follow me no more.

Helena/Vida:

You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant:

But yet you draw not iron, not my heart

Is true as steel: leave you your power to draw,

And I shall have no power to follow you.

Demetrius/Conner:

Do I entice you? Do I speak you fair?

Or, rather, do I not in plainest truth

Tell you I do not nor I cannot love you?

Helena/Vida:

And even for that do I love you the more.

I am your spaniel; and, Demetrius,

The more you beat me, I will fawn on you:

Use me but as your spaniel, spurn me, strike me,

Neglect me, lose me; only give me leave,

Unworthy as I am, to follow you.

_(aside)_

Man, this gal needs self-esteem.

_(back in character)_

What worser place can I beg in your love,

And yet a place of high respect with me,

Than to be used as you use your dog?

Demetrius/Conner:

Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit,

For I am sick when I do look on you.

Helena/Vida:

And I am sick when I look not on you.

Demetrius/Conner:

You do impeach your modesty too much,

To leave the city, and commit yourself

Into the hands of one that loves you not;

To trust the opportunity of night

And the ill counsel of a desert place

With the rich worth of your virginity.

Hang on, I thought I jumped you.

Helena/Vida:

Apparently not.

Your virtue is my privilege; for that

It is not night when I do see your face,

Therefore I think I am not in the night;

Nor doth this wood lack worlds of company,

For you in my respect are all the world:

Then how can it be said I am alone,

When all the world is here to look on me?

_(Dax looks up. Neither Ziggy nor Dillon are there, but the rope is still there and still knotted.)_

Dax:

Hold on! Where are Ziggy and Dillon?

_(Helena/Vida rolls her eyes.)_

Helena/Vida:

They'll show up eventually. Until then, your turn Conner.

Conner/Demetrius:

I'll run from thee and hide me in the brakes,

And leave thee to the mercy of wild beasts.

Helena/Vida:

The wildest hath not such a heart as you.

Run when you will, the story shall be chang'd;

Apollo flies, and Daphne holds the chase;

The dove pursues the griffin; the mild hind

Makes speed to catch the tiger; bootless speed,

When cowardice pursues and valour flies.

Demetrius/Conner:

I will not stay thy questions: let me go;

Or, if thou follow me, do not believe

But I shall do thee mischief in the wood.

Helena/Vida:

Ay, in the temple, in the town, the field,

You do me mischief. Fie, Demetrius!

Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex.

We cannot fight for love, as men may do;

We should be woo'd and were not made to woo.

_(Throwing his hands up in exasperation Demetrius/Conner exits.)_

Helena/Vida:

I'll follow thee and make a heaven of hell,

To die upon the hand I love so well.

_(Helena/Vida exits. Oberon/Dustin reappears from behind a tree.)_

Oberon/Dustin:

Fare thee well, dudette: ere he do leave this grove,

Thou shalt fly him, and he shall seek thy love.

_(Puck/Bridge enters, a flower in hand.)_

Oberon/Dustin:

Hast thou the flower there? Welcome, wanderer.

Puck/Bridge:

Ay, there it is.

Oberon/Dustin:

I pray thee, give it me.

I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,

Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows

Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,

With sweet musk-roses, and with eglantine:

There sleeps Titania some time of the night,

Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight;

And there the snake throws her enamell'd skin,

Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in:

And with the juice of this I'll streak her eyes,

And make her full of hateful fantasies.

Take thou some of it, and seek through this grove:

A sweet Athenian dudette is in love

With a disdainful dude: anoint his eyes;

But do it when the next thing he espies

May be the dudette. Thou shalt know the dude

By the Athenian garments he hath on.

Effect it with some care, that he may prove

More fond of her than she upon her love.

And look thou meet me ere the first cock crow.

_(Puck/Bridge bows and doffs his cap.)_

Puck/Bridge:

Fear not, my lord, your servant shall do so.

_(They leave the stage and the curtains drop.)_


End file.
